


i know the tide will turn

by cavaleira



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bittersweet, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1869777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cavaleira/pseuds/cavaleira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Steve has his friend back, and Thor is happy for him.</p><p>That doesn't change the fact that it hurts to look at them sometimes."</p><p> </p><p>Or, the one where Thor and Steve have a conversation about love and loss on the rooftop of Avengers Tower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i know the tide will turn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DreamingMoonlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingMoonlight/gifts).
  * Translation into Italiano available: [I know the tide will turn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1890666) by [Neve83](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neve83/pseuds/Neve83)
  * Translation into 中文 available: [I know the tide will turn：潮汐将返](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3677811) by [Maryandmathew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maryandmathew/pseuds/Maryandmathew)



> This is a super belated birthday gift for the wonderful beckerbell, to make up for the fact that I haven't finished your actual belated birthday gift *facepalm*
> 
> Based on this post here: http://thorkizilla.tumblr.com/post/85496042457/i-had-a-really-cute-thought-the-other-night-with

The late afternoon sunlight is warm on Thor's skin as it streams through the windows of the penthouse at the top of Avengers Tower. It's a Saturday afternoon at the height of summer and the whole team has gathered together to share a meal. Tony likes to do this occasionally, throw these little dinner parties just for them. He calls it "team building," but it's really just an excuse for them all to gather together that doesn't involve the planet being under attack. 

Usually, Thor relishes these gatherings and enjoys telling his friends tales of Asgard and sometimes even bringing Asgardian delicacies to share. Over the past few years, the Avengers have become a surrogate family to him and he's grateful for it. But even though Thor is right here in the thick of it, everything seems so far away, hovering on the edge of his awareness.

Bruce is at the stove, stirring something that smells delicious though Thor has no idea what it is. Sam is chopping vegetables for salad while Tony rambles on about more improvements he wants to make to Sam's wings, and Natasha is pouring herself a glass of wine while she and Clint tease each other and debate about what movie to watch later. Steve and Bucky are nowhere to be found, but Thor vaguely remembers them going outside on the balcony awhile ago.

By all means, Thor should be fully present and enjoying himself. He should be appreciative, should be talking and laughing with his friends and swept up into the festivities. 

Instead Thor is sitting at the bar, slowly sipping on a cup of mead and staring out the window with unseeing eyes. He is lost in memories of summers past, racing around during the Midsummer festival with a dark slip of a boy with clever green eyes and a mischievous smile. He remembers long, lazy journeys across the realms and breathless laughter when they got out of whatever scrape they managed to get into. He remembers swimming in sun-dappled lakes and then lying side by side to dry in the sunlight, knowing that its warm rays would always pale in comparison to the warmth Thor felt every time Loki smiled at him.

A hand clasps Thor's shoulder and he realizes that Tony is standing in front of him and has been trying to get his attention for some time.

"Hey Thor, will you go tell Grandpa #1 and Grandpa #2 to stop making out on the balcony and come inside?" Tony says. "I don't want to be held liable if one of them overdoes it and ends up with a broken hip."

Thor snorts. "Shall I tell them that verbatim?"

"Oh god no," Tony says with a shudder. "I'd like to enjoy my meal before worrying about Barnes trying to get back at me. I've got all these great upgrade ideas for his arm and I'd rather he let me tinker with it than punch me with it. You know, for some reason he doesn't think my jokes are funny."

"Perish the thought," Thor says, stifling a laugh. 

"See, you're just as offended by it as I am! I'm a treasure trove full of old people jokes and he doesn't even appreciate it. Breaks my heart," Tony says, a smirk on his lips as he sighs and shakes his head. "But I guess you just can't expect senior citizens to keep up with today's humor."

"I'll be sure to omit that as well," Thor says with a huff of laughter. 

Tony pats Thor on the shoulder. "Thanks buddy, I knew I could count on you."

"Very well then," Thor says as he gets to his feet. Truth be told, he welcomes the distraction. It will give him something to do and help him get out of his own head. Thor can tell from the shrewd look in Tony's eyes that this was probably his intention, and he's grateful for it. Tony surely could have gone to get Steve and Bucky himself by now in the time it took for him to get Thor's attention.

When Thor goes out onto the balcony, he spots Steve and Bucky on the far side, standing next to each other and leaning against the railing. The beginnings of the sunset against the city skyline are beautiful, but Steve and Bucky only seem to have eyes for each other. Thor doesn't have the heart to interrupt them just yet so he hangs back and watches. Bucky says something and then Steve scowls and elbows him in the ribs before they both burst out into laughter. Thor thinks that they must be teasing each other again, joking and calling each other names. 

The others had been scandalized by the swearing at first, especially Tony. They'd all grown up with the wholesome image of Captain America and it had taken them awhile to realize that Steve is more than a symbol. He's also a man, and a soldier at that. Thor on the other hand hadn't found it surprising at all, merely amusing and painfully familiar.

It's been three years since Bucky got free from HYDRA, and six months since he joined the Avengers. Bucky still has a bit of a haunted look in his eyes — especially when he thinks no one is looking — but he lights up when Steve is around. Steve is much the same and he stares at Bucky like he holds the secrets of the universe in the curve of his smile.

 _Loki used to look at me like that_ , Thor thinks. He would scowl whenever Thor caught him at it, but then Thor would kiss his frown away. These days, the rift between the two of them is too deep for a simple kiss to mend.

It's obvious that Steve and Bucky are in love with each other, and likely always have been. It's also obvious that despite Tony's earlier comment about them making out, neither one of them has realized that their feelings are mutual.

Thor is a warrior and he has always been a physical creature, the storm made flesh. He understands the interplay of bodies in motion and he can read Steve and Bucky like an open book. They are always holding something back, yearning for more even as they dance around each other. Every touch lingers too long for casual friendship, yet not as long as they both seem to be itching for. But Thor has faith in them and he knows that they'll get there in time. Steve has his friend back, and Thor is happy for him.

That doesn't change the fact that it hurts to look at them sometimes.

It twists Thor up inside to see the casual touches, the playful teasing and easy camaraderie between them. For most of Thor's life, he and Loki were much the same. Though they teased and riled each other up, there was always affection simmering beneath the surface.

When they got older, the teasing grew into something else entirely. They would whisper filth into each others' ears as they went about their daily tasks to see who could make the other blush first, no longer able to keep a straight face. Loki usually won those games, but it was really no hardship; when Thor got his hands all over Loki's body during the evenings that followed, he felt like he'd won anyway.

But Thor never talks about these things. His relationship with Loki has always been complicated ("all kinds of fucked up," Bucky might say), but Thor doesn't spend a lot of time worrying about the morality of it all anymore. He and Loki... they are what they are and nothing can change that. Thor doesn't expect other people to understand.

Bucky spots Thor from across the way and waves. Thor nods and waves back, watching as they approach him. 

"Hey Thor," Steve says, and though Thor smiles back he knows it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Thor can tell that it doesn't escape Steve's notice from the way he watches Thor with a keen gaze, his brow slightly furrowed in concern. 

"Tony asked me to inform you that dinner is nearly ready."

"Bet he had some stupid wisecrack about it too," Bucky says.

"He may have referred to you as Grandpa #1 and Grandpa #2, though he did not specify who was who," Thor says with a hint of laughter in his tone. He decides to leave out the part about them making out; whenever that conversation finally comes up, it should be a private one just between the two of them.

Steve rolls his eyes. "Ha ha, very funny. He'll have to run out of senior citizen jokes someday, right?"

Both Thor and Bucky give Steve a pitying look. 

Bucky smirks. "You're lucky you're pretty, Rogers." There's a slight flush on Steve's cheeks when he scowls at Bucky, and Thor does his best to stifle his laughter.

"Come on, let's go eat," Bucky says, but then Steve glances up at Thor again and frowns.

"You go ahead, I'll be there in a sec," Steve says to Bucky. 

"Sir, yes sir," Bucky drawls.

Steve rolls his eyes and gives Bucky a little shove. "Yeah yeah, move it along soldier," he says. Bucky only laughs and gives Steve a mock salute before starting to head back inside.

"And quit being a jackass, will you?"

"Can't," Bucky says from over his shoulder. "Then you'd have nothing to complain about."

Steve laughs, but his eyes go dim and soft with yearning as he watches Bucky's retreating figure. He stares at Bucky like he misses him already, like he's afraid to let Bucky out of his sight for even a moment lest he lose him again.

The moment is gone and Steve turns his focus back to Thor, his steady gaze filled with concern. 

"Are you alright, Thor?" Steve asks, his tone careful and measured.

Though Thor is far from alright, he's not quite sure how to answer Steve's question. Steve is a good man. He's a fierce warrior but he also has a kind heart, and in him Thor sees a kind of kindred spirit. Thor knows that he could tell Steve what troubles him, and Steve would listen and offer him friendship.

Thor decides to not answer the question at all.

"I am fine, my friend. It's just... it's good to see you and Bucky together, I'm glad you found each other again. You carried a heavy burden, but you seem lighter now than you have in all the time I've known you."

There's a knowing look in Steve's eyes, and Thor realizes that maybe he _did_ answer Steve's question after all. Thor feels uncomfortable under his scrutiny so he looks away and they both stare out at the city in silence.

"The worst part is the emptiness," Steve finally says.

"What?" Thor asks with a frown. He isn't sure what he was expecting Steve to say, but it definitely wasn't this. 

"People think it's this ache that gnaws at you, and yeah sometimes it's like that too. But it's the emptiness that really gets to you. It's the silence where a voice should be, the cold, empty seat beside you, the way even your brightest memories now seem so dull and hollow.

"So you smile and you do your job, but all the while there's this gaping hole inside you and you know that you'll never be able to fill it no matter how many new friends you make or how many lives you save."

Thor's eyes sting and he struggles for air, as if he's fallen from a great height and had the wind completely knocked out of him. His throat burns and he has to swallow hard before he can even speak again.

"I miss him."

"I know," Steve says as he clasps Thor on the shoulder and looks up at him with kind eyes. "I know."

"We grew up together, spent nearly every day together for centuries. He was my brother, my best friend and closest confidant," Thor says. "Maybe I was a fool to think it would last forever."

Thor looks over at Steve and finds no pity in his eyes, only compassion. Steve knows what it's like lose someone so dear to you. Through a merciful twist of fate, Steve has been able to regain that which was lost. Thor doesn't think the Norns will be so kind to him. Or maybe it's not fate that's cruel, maybe it's just Loki.

Thor smiles sadly and shakes his head.

"Summer has always been my favorite season. Asgard is sometimes called the Golden Realm and there is no time of year it more embodies that name than summer, when the days are long and the sky itself is suffused with a warm, golden glow."

"You could go back."

"I cannot," Thor says with a shake of his head. A look of understanding crosses Steve's face and he nods at Thor. For all that it's summer and they're standing in the city Steve grew up in, he can't go back either.

"But I miss it... the sweet smell from trees heavy with fruit, the fields of flowers so vibrant they almost rival the Bifrost itself, the way the stars seem to shine slightly brighter at night," Thor says, not bothering to keep the wistfulness out of his tone.

"There is... there is just something different in the air, something brighter. My people live so long that I think it's easy for us to take life for granted sometimes. But in the summer, even _we_ truly grasp what it is to be alive."

Steve hums, a soft smile on his face as if he can picture it all himself.

"But the best thing about summer was that Loki and I would travel across the realms together, getting into and out of trouble," Thor says with a soft laugh. "My friends have always been dear to me, but nothing made me happier than spending time with my brother. No one could make me laugh like he did."

Thor remains silent for a few moments, lost in his memories. "I remember the first time we encountered a troll," he says. "We were young then, barely two hundred."

Steve seems puzzled and Thor remembers then that his mortal friends don't really know much about the Asgardian lifespan. "I suppose it would be roughly equivalent to being on the cusp of adolescence here on Midgard."

"Huh," Steve says, brow furrowing as he processes the information.

"There was a lagoon where we wanted to go swimming that was said to be breathtakingly beautiful. It was also said that a troll lived in a cave nearby. Our parents warned us to be careful and stay away from there."

Steve grins. "And let me guess: you ignored the warning."

"Naturally," Thor says with laugh. "It was a wonderful day of swimming but then our curiosity got the better of us and we ventured into the caves. Unfortunately, we stumbled upon the troll's lair and he was very displeased. Though we apologized for trespassing, he was quite determined to eat us for our crimes."

"Wow. Bucky and I got into all kinds of scrapes but thankfully we never had anyone threaten to eat us."

"Believe me, it isn't pleasant," Thor says with a wry smile. "This particular troll was a foul, ugly creature at least three times as tall as we were. We were cornered and he had the advantage since it was his lair. I intended to just start trying to fight our way out, but Loki gave me a look that said he had a plan."

Steve laughs. "Okay, _this_ I have to hear."

"He put on his most innocent face and begged the troll to give us a chance to earn our freedom. When the creature asked why he should do such a thing, Loki said, 'Well, if you eat us now, we'll make a most terrible meal. Can you not smell the taint of fear on us?' It was then that he subtly used his magic to conjure a smell most foul," Thor says. Steve wrinkles his nose and they both laugh.

"Loki continued on and said, 'If the smell is that terrible, can you imagine the taste? No, we are hardly appetizing in our current state. However, if you give us a chance to win our freedom and we fail, at least it's fair. We will come to you willingly and without fear, and our flesh will surely taste that much better for it.'"

"And he actually bought it?"

"Yes. Trolls are notoriously stupid and Loki is notoriously clever. Truly, the beast didn't stand a chance," Thor says, smiling and shaking his head. "So the troll asked Loki what he would propose and Loki said, 'a contest of strength,' which only made the beast laugh. Even still, he accepted the terms and it was agreed that I would be the one to face off against the creature.

"I was small yet, but I have always been strong. When I was two hundred I was still largely untrained, but my raw strength already surpassed that of warriors twice my age."

"I'm guessing the troll wasn't aware of that fact," Steve says with a laugh.

Thor grins. "No. And that's what we were counting on. We started off lifting a rock no bigger than the palm of my hand, which we both handled with ease. Then we moved on to a slightly bigger one, and then another bigger one that I had to cradle in my arms," Thor says.

"Loki and I exchanged a look and with this rock, I pretended to have a difficult time lifting it. The troll grinned, sure that I would not be able to pick up the next one, as it was a giant boulder bigger than I was," Thor says as he gestures the shape with his hands.

"The creature picked it up and put it back down with ease, but I continued pretending to struggle when it was my turn. The troll was smacking his lips, ready to eat us both, but Loki shouted, 'No no, he's close to lifting it! Bend down here and see for yourself.' When he did, Loki shouted, 'Now, Thor!' and I picked up the boulder and whacked the troll in the head with it. He went down hard, and we escaped without a scratch."

They both laugh, and Steve's eyes crinkle in the corners with genuine amusement.

"So that's what it was like before then. What you and Loki were like before, I mean."

"Yes, for centuries. We went into battle together many times and fought all manner of mystical beasts. Even though he would grumble about me being foolish, he was always there if I truly needed him. Nothing seemed insurmountable as long as we were side by side."

Thor smiles again, but it's a sad one this time as he thinks about the hard lessons he has learned since those simpler times. Thor stares down at his hands, clenching and unclenching them uselessly.

"I can reduce mountains to rubble, but I couldn't stop my own brother from falling into the abyss and down this dark path," Thor says, his voice hoarse with grief. "When he tried to kill me, I... I stared into the face I had known and loved so well and I could hardly recognize him."

Steve nods and offers Thor a sad smile of his own. There's no judgement in Steve's gaze, and he doesn't talk about the terrible things Loki has done over the past few years. That's not what this is about.

"I remember what it was like, when Bucky almost killed me on the helicarrier."

"It's not the same," Thor says. Loki made his choices, but Bucky had no control over himself when he was the Winter Soldier and they both know it.

"No," Steve says. "But it felt the same to you."

Thor starts to reply but he realizes he has nothing to add because Steve already understands so well. 

Thor could spend all night going through the details, using hindsight to piece together the hows and whys, the cause and effect, the ways everything fell apart and when. He could talk until he's blue in the face about how he doesn't condone Loki's actions and he knows that they were wrong.

But none of that does anything to abate the deep sense of loss and longing that Thor feels. Sometimes Thor doesn't feel like he's allowed to miss Loki, like there's simply no room for it in his life. It finds ways to make itself known anyway, silent and ever-present, clinging to him like a shadow. Thor is struck by the cruel irony of it all: Loki used to complain that he had always lived in Thor's shadow and in a way, now he truly does.

In the eyes of his friends and comrades, Loki is a lost cause and Thor should write him off and move on. No one but Steve has seemed to really understand why that isn't an option. While Thor will fight Loki if he has to, he takes no joy in it. Every victory against Loki is a hollow one because he never wins what he most desires.

It's moments when his thoughts take this turn that he's most envious of Steve and Bucky. When Steve and Bucky came face to face, something inside Bucky remembered all that they were to each other and spurred him into pulling Steve out of the water and saving his life.

When Thor came face to face with Loki on the top of this very building, all he got was a glimmer of regret in Loki's eyes before he stabbed Thor in the side. Sometimes Thor catches himself running his fingers over the place where Loki's knife sank in and imagines he can still feel it even though the wound has long since healed. 

Thor shakes his head, as if to push the memory out of his mind.

"Loki has tried to kill me more than once, and by his own volition."

Steve nods. "Yeah, and he failed. And didn't he save you later, from the dark elves?"

"Yes. But then he faked his own death and stole father's throne for a time just to prove that he could," Thor says bitterly. "Although he did save me again last year when we battled Kang."

Thor was a god but falling off a cliff and being impaled on a spike was a bit much, even for him. His brain was hazy as he lay there bleeding out, and he thought it might really be the end for him.

When Loki appeared, Thor thought he was merely an illusion, a final comfort before death took him. But it really _was_ Loki, anger and worry in his eyes as he lay healing hands upon Thor, all the while berating him for being an idiot and almost getting himself killed again. Sometimes Thor even thinks he remembers the soft press of Loki's lips on his brow, but he could have just been imagining it.

Steve pauses and there's a thoughtful expression on his face. "Loki's a pretty smart guy, right?"

"He's the cleverest person I have ever known."

"You know what I think? I think if he really wanted you dead, you would be. It isn't like he hasn't had opportunities, but he's botched every single one."

Thor starts to interrupt but Steve raises up a hand to stop him. "Let me ask you something: if it came down to it and you had to strike the final blow, could you do it?"

"No," Thor says immediately. He doesn't even have to think about it. No matter what Loki has done or who he has become, Thor will always love him and does not want to imagine a world without him in it.

"I don't know him, especially not like you do. But I think if I asked him the same question, he'd give the same answer."

"Hm," Thor says as he rolls Steve's words over in his head.

"I just think there are... there are some bonds that just can't be broken, you know? They'll always be a part of you and they helped make you who you are." Steve pauses for a moment, running a hand through his hair as he considers his words. "You guys live for a long time, right?"

"Thousands of years."

"I'm guessing that things didn't get this way between you overnight," Steve says, "and if you're trying to repair something that happened gradually, there are no quick fixes. It will take time. But you _have_ time, Thor."

Something inside of Thor latches onto Steve's words, taking them in until Thor can feel the tiny bloom of hope start to grow in his chest again. Thor has always been a hopeful person. Sometimes he can't decide if it's his greatest strength or his greatest weakness.

"I... thank you, Steve. You have given me much food for thought."

"Anytime. I mean it. Us old guys gotta stick together, right?"

Thor is much, much older than Steve, but the joke makes him laugh all the same.

"I'm gonna head back in, you coming?"

"No, not yet. I just need a few moments more," Thor says. Steve nods and pats Thor on the shoulder before turning to go.

Steve has done him a great boon tonight: he has given Thor cause to hope again. It is a precious gift, and Thor realizes that he would be remiss if he didn't try and return the favor. Thor cannot be with the person he loves right now, but that doesn't mean that Steve has to suffer the same fate. 

"Steve," Thor calls out. Steve turns around and frowns before walking back towards Thor.

"What is it?"

"You should tell him that you love him."

"I... what?" Steve says. He's shifty-eyed and pretending he doesn't understand what Thor's saying, but Thor isn't fooled for a second. Thor spent centuries beside one of the best liars in the Nine Realms; he knows how to spot a novice when he sees one.

"You know what I speak of."

Steve sighs, his shoulders sagging as he drops the pretense of ignorance. He's quiet for a long time, staring out at the skyline as he struggles for words.

"Things were different back then, you know. Now two men can get married in a lot of places, but back then, that kind of thing could get you thrown in jail or worse."

"You never told him."

"No. It wasn't safe and I didn't really understand what my feelings meant at first. By the time I did, he was gone and now..." Steve starts, but he shakes his head, his features gone tight and drawn. "It doesn't matter because he doesn't-"

"He does," Thor says, and Steve frowns as he glances over at him.

"He does," Thor repeats, his voice even more insistent this time.

Steve looks away, his whole body tense as they stand there in silence. Thor stares at his profile, the way the shadows of longing and loss play across his features. Thor knows that expression very well, as he's seen it in the mirror more times than he would like to admit.

But for Steve in this moment, it's more than that. Steve is... he is afraid. Thor has seen this man walk into certain death with conviction and calm resolve. In battle he could lose his life but it would be a hero's death, the kind that would grant him entry through the shimmering gates of Valhalla. But if he lost Bucky again, he would lose _everything_. Anyone would be hard pressed to be fearless in the face of such high stakes.

And so Thor watches Steve, watches the war between hope and fear in his eyes. If it's a battle, Thor knows which side he wants to win. He just hopes that his words can be the tipping point that Steve needs.

"You should see the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching, my friend. I think you would have surely noticed it by now if you weren't so busy doing the same."

Steve sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. "It's just... I've just gotten him back. I can't ask him for more than that."

Thor shakes his head. "You do not understand. Love isn't an imposition. It's a gift, and one I'm quite certain that Bucky will not refuse."

Steve swallows hard and stares out at the horizon, the sun now almost completely set. When he finally looks over at Thor again, most of the fear has faded from his eyes and Thor can't help but smile.

"You're a good friend, Thor."

"As are you," Thor says, his smile widening.

They can see Bucky through the glass, making rude faces at Steve and beckoning him to come back inside. Steve and Thor both laugh and shake their heads.

"Go on," Thor says. "Don't leave him waiting."

A slow smile spreads across Steve's face as he stares at Bucky through the glass before turning to face Thor again. 

"I... I won't. Not anymore," Steve says, giving Thor a final nod before heading back inside. He seems more self-possessed, and there's a determined set in his shoulders that wasn't there before.

Thor turns his gaze back out to the city skyline as he mulls over Steve's words again. Even though Steve is mortal, he knows what it's like to be a symbol, for people to pin their hopes and dreams on you. Thor is the God of Thunder and the Crown Prince of Asgard. He is the embodiment of strength, a beacon of hope, a champion for those in need. Most days he sees it as an honor and he bears the responsibility gladly and willingly, but on days like today, it feels like a heavy burden. 

Sometimes he just wants to be a son who misses his mother. A seasoned warrior who misses the simplicity of his youth.

 _A Thor who misses his Loki,_ he thinks with a broken little laugh.

His conversation with Steve allowed him to simply be those things for a little while, a brief reprieve that he didn't even realize he needed so badly.

Thor stares out into the night and wonders where Loki is now. Is he staring at the same sky, or is he light years away? He wonders when they will meet again and if Loki will hurt him or help him. But no matter what happens, Steve is right: they have time.

When Thor finally goes back inside his heart is still heavy, but the bloom of hope is alive in his chest. He vows to keep it close, to keep it safe and let it grow deep roots inside him, roots to fortify him and make him strong enough to bear Loki's absence until they can find their way back to each other again.


End file.
